Making decisions and sticking to them
21 Feb 2012 4 Comments
Title… not my strong point. I am very wishy washy. I often have great ideas, start on the path to doing whatever that idea is, and then give up because I get bored, it is too hard, etc. Recently, I have been thinking about throwing in the towel in regards to my decision to stay another year in Japan. It is hard to live here. I don’t live in Tokyo (not saying Tokyo life is easy), I live in the deep countryside of Japan. A place where my husband and I are the only foreigners for a long distance. Where people are ‘friends’ because they have the common bond of not being Japanese and nothing else. A place where you can run into someone you have met and spoken to before at a common place, say Starbucks or the foreign food store, and have them turn their back on you or ignore you for no reason other than them NOT wanting to share that common bond of being the only foreigners there. Which is of course just rude. Nothing makes me crazier than a supposed facebook friend who ignores you in person.
Anyway, I have been feeling kind of depressed about my life in Japan. A few too many times left out of events that I had originally been a part of the organizing, then left our of when the date was arranged… A few too many times planning things and never having the reciprocation… a few too many times being snubbed by coworkers, etc. I have very thin skin, and take things way to personally. That combined with John’s excitement over starting something new in Canada, has made me think that maybe I should be leaving in August. That maybe I am making a mistake.
On Saturday, I had a super depressed `Nobody likes me, guess I’ll go eat worms` day, after the tea lady served tea to everyone but me in the office. Yeah, I know, stupid, but it made me feel even more like the odd one out, and made me really feel sad. When I got home, I felt like crying and John asked me if I thought I could realistically survive a year here by myself. At first, I was really put out by that question, but realized he had a valid point. Can I? Tracey said to me that I did it before by myself for 3 years – but that was a long time ago. I was a different person, and didn’t have a person. My person. Now, my person is going to be on the other side of the world, and I am going to go from hanging out with him every day to seeing him for a few weeks at Christmas and Spring Break. Can I do it? Am I making a huge mistake? Today I love my job, but will I 6 months from now? A year? Hell, tomorrow?
I think that it will be good for me. Help me ‘toughen up’. I need to make a decision and stick to it for once in my life. This decision was made to pay off debt and I think I can make a sizable dent in it, for sure.
Sigh. I wish that I was still little and my mom could just tell me what to do. Mom?
Welcome to 1958
17 Feb 2012 1 Comment
I have lately been thinking, after readin Stephen King’s “11/22/63″ that Japan is not just a different country. It is a different time. No, not 18 hours ahead, but actually 55 years behind.
Yesterday, I received the following news: the super secret teacher dinner I was invited to was not just a “Happy Thursday” event. It was a secret goodbye party. The new school nurse, was forced to resign. Turns out, her boyfriend and her had SEX before marriage, and she got pregnant! Shocking! She has to leave in shame, due to a morality clause, and the principal and vice principal wouldn’t allow an official goodbye party.
Today, is her last day, and the principal followed her around while she put her goodbye gifts on people’s desk, checking names off to make sure no one was left out because she is inconveniencing everyone.
Last night at dinner, I learned all sorts of new words – and can now swear in Japanese thanks to my very disgusted and very pissed off coworkers 
(disgusted at principal and vice principal – just to clarify – not the girl)
I have a grump.
16 Feb 2012 2 Comments
As I mentioned before, this winter I did a meditation retreat. I left the centre with, what I felt, was a new outlook on life, and ideas to make my life better. To pay off debt, reconnect with friends and family, and cut the stress from my life. I made the commitment to staying in Japan another year. I decided I would write the JLPT and sign up for a series of 10ks over the course of 2012. I made plans.
I am really good at making plans. I am good at writing letters too. However, the plans usually just stay on scraps of paper, and I find unsent letters all the time. Basically, I am a big talker. I know this. I try really hard to follow through with things I start, but at the end of the day… not going to lie… I am lazy.
Usually, I don’t care. However, since I know what relaxed and positive feels like now, after the retreat, I am starting to feel EXTREMELY GROUCHY at myself because I am not sticking to my goals. My Japanese studying is non-existent. And, what used to be my once a week intensive study hour on Wednesday, has become ladies coffee evening. Totally my fault, but it is starting to make me really discouraged that my Japanese will never improve. My class planning has been super sucky lately, as, instead of trying to find ways to motivate my bored, lazy students, I am instead catching a case of their laziness and lack of motivation. Exercise? What is that? (Which I am sure is a big reason I am feeling this way).
Anyway, I don’t have anything interesting or constructive to say. No magic fixes. I am just grumpy and have no one to talk about at work about this. I just came from a totally disheartening grade 7 class, where my students barely mumbled hello, refused to do their work, and of course, then failed their test we gave them at the end of the class. And they don’t care. At all. But, instead of me trying to lift their spirits and get them interested, I am just not there. I feel vacant and unsubstantial. I feel so tired from their childish behaviour – YES, I know they are children. A student actually told me to shut up today. I wasn’t angry – more hurt than anything. These same kids loved English a year ago, and now can’t even care to learn how to spell the months.
I am rambling about nothing. I need a hug. Maybe a nap.
WTF 2012? It is mid February? But… I had plans and stuff
14 Feb 2012 1 Comment
John is always telling me that I shouldn’t say I am going to do something. Because I always give up, get busy, get sick, forget, insert excuse here… and then don’t do the thing I said I was going to do. Looking at my list of WILL DO IN 2012 is a joke. I haven’t done any of it. Well, I cut back on coffee. That is a start?
I am not sure where the last 6 weeks have disappeared to. Maybe because we didn’t acknowledge Christmas or New Years this year, it hasn’t really sunk in that it is indeed 2012, and that 2011 is well and truly over. I have fallen off the wagon with exercise – I think I could MAYBE clock 2 hours in the last 6 weeks. Yikes. Considering that I signed John and I up for a 70min max 10k on March 11, I might be in a bit of trouble (that is 2 mins faster than the fastest 10k i did when I was running 20km and up a week).
Oh well… 10 months left to get off my ass I guess…
Excitement in a small town
06 Feb 2012 3 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: extreme frustration, smoke signs
I feel sometimes, that living in Japan there is never a “norm”. Things are always to the extremes. Extreme highs, extreme lows. Extreme excitement, extreme boredom. Extreme frustration… On the weekend, I had one of those extremely frustrating moments, that I seem to find myself in more and more, and I never manage to extricate myself from them.
On Saturday morning, around 3am, the fire alarm went off. John and I got up, put on warm clothes, and got ready to get out of there – although we first checked for smoke, signs of a fire, etc. and there were none. The alarm went off for awhile, but there seemed to be no movement from the other 2 tenants, so I went to the 2nd floor and saw Mr. Suzuki (another tenant, and coworker) in his bare feet, in the hall. I asked him what was happening and if we should go outside. He said no, it was a false alarm, the firemen would be there soon to shut it off, and we could go back to bed.
So, we went back in our apartment, and waited. The firemen came, checked our apartment, gave the OK, and left.
Fine, incident over. No big deal.
On Saturday, we discovered a LOT of water on the stairwell between floors 3 and 2, and even more between 2 and 1. I was a bit concerned… but as there was more between 2 and 1, I kind of assumed the Japanese speaking tenants who would probably know what to do would take care of it, and so I ignored it. Until about 3pm, when I went outside to get something from the car and had to walk through huge puddles. Boo. So, I called the town hall, told them what was up (basically, my convo was this: “water. water on stairs. much water. problem. please come. water from ceiling. water on floor. danger? problem. please and thanks”).
Nothing happened that day, other than I noticed someone mopped the floor. Still dripping from the stairwell (which is weird… since nothing was wet on third floor)
On Sunday, the fire department showed up in full force (it is a small village… that meant 3 people), to examine all the apartments. They again knocked on the door and proceeded to, in rapid fire polite japanese (this means an extra 2 syllables per word, at least) explain what they thought happened and asked me some questions. At first, I held my own against this barrage of daunting vocabulary, but finally I resorted to unns and ummms and hmms and hais. It was a pretty sad showing. I got the gist, but even after I asked them to slow down… they seemed to speed up and made it even more confusing and frustrating.
So, this is my source of extreme annoyance and frustration. Obviously, something important was going on. They wanted info, they needed me to do something… but instead of talking to me in a simple and slow way, they had to rattle on at me rapid fire as if I was being interrogated. I am contemplating making myself a sign, in Japanese, that says I am a simpleton and hope that helps… you would think from the blank looks and vague, non-committal answers they would get the hint, but alas, that is not the case…
I hate snow.
02 Feb 2012 1 Comment
Yesterday it snowed 45 cm. Yuck. I know, it is pretty, and I can agree with that. But, otherwise, I hate the stuff. It messes up the roads, I never have the right clothes/boots, and even worse, i have to deal with this annoying question every day it snows:
“Does this make you feel more at home, since you are from Canada?”
Really? Every time? This has started to replace the “Oh! Can you use chopsticks!?” as the number one most annoying question asked of me repetitively by my coworkers. I am from Vancouver Island. It is a temperate rain forest, and most recently, I lived on Southern Vancouver Island, in Victoria, which, thanks to a rain shadow has less precipitation than the rest of the island.
In 2010, when the lower mainland had the Winter Olympics, some events were cancelled because of a lack of snow.
When I was a kid, we had a snow day if we had more than 6cm of snow.
In 1996, when we had a freak blizzard (150cm in 2 days!), we had no snowplows to take care of the mess, and the military was out keeping us all in our homes because we are idiots who can’t drive in the stuff.
Anyway, this is a boring blog post, just complaining because I can, and because, I want a snow day! boohoohoo!
Things I miss about Canada
31 Jan 2012 2 Comments
Although I choose to live overseas, and have off and on since I turned 20, there are certain things that I really miss about my homeland. Today I am having a nostalgic day, and want you all to know that TIM HORTONS will not be on that list. (Seriously, those of you brainwashed to think that crappy, environmentally unfriendly AMERICAN OWNED company is a patriotic symbol – well you are ridiculous. 25cents more a cup would make it fair trade. Throw away cups given to those with travel mugs just for roll up the rim? wtf?)
Oh wait, I am seriously digressing. I am NOSTALGIC, not antagonistic. Back on track.
Today I am missing, these things, in no particular order:
- My family
- My friends, and the ability to get together for a drink or a good meal with them
- beets, kale and all the other yummy delights that are not found on this island, but can be found easily on mine
- good, microbrew beer. Phillips, I long for a chocolate porter. Can someone ship me one?
- facial soap that works. Not just bleaches skin (wtf?)
And the biggest thing I miss?
**** NO SMOKING INDOORS. OR NEXT TO DOORS. OR WINDOWS. OR AIR VENTS.
gah. I went to the coffee shop for breakfast, as I do every Tuesday since I take the train to work. Was in and out in 15 minutes – and even though it was an hour ago, I STILL STINK. pee-yew.
I ran into one of the employees of that cafe at another cafe this weekend, and she told me she couldn`t work at that branch anymore because she was pregnant. Seriously? Her company moved her to another one of their cafes that has slightly better ventilation, but still. We have had no smoking in BC for over 10 years. You can even get a fine for smoking in your car with children in it. Get with it Japan.
Run, run, run…
23 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
Yesterday, I finally went to the gym. Yes, I am a super slacker! I managed a 12 minute run with my students last Thursday (about 2km) in the gym, and realized that I am once again out of shape – even though I was making excellent progress in the fall. Amazing what 2 months under a kotatsu (that is a heated table for those not in Japan) can do to you!
I am such a self saboteur, it is ridiculous. First of all, on Saturday morning, i woke up with the thought in my head : TODAY I WILL RUN 5KM. Yes, it was THAT big in my brain. Then, we went for breakfast with a lady in our town… then we played games… and then… the CAPS lock in my brain turned off and a might slipped in there instead of will, and it italicized… so it became… today, i might run 5km. Amazing the difference text makes to the meaning of something.
*sigh*
So, I gave in to the suggestion of one more game, even though I knew that my window of gym opportunity was closing (the local one is only open from 1-7) and… no run on Saturday.
I woke up on Sunday with this in my head: I MUST RUN TODAY! and amazingly, even though we met up with a coworker at Starbucks (only tea, no coffee.. that is day 8!) AND played games, I managed to crawl out from under the kotatsu and get my butt into the gym.
Once I arrived, I was, as usual, the only one there. I think that is also one of my issues with the Neo gym. I like a nice full gym – so I have people to look at and judge, which takes my mind off of myself. I mean, um, encourage. Did I write judge?
I got on the treadmill, and did 5 minutes of warmup brisk walking. I pep talked myself into a 1 hour workout. No excuses. I was going to run or walk for 1 hour. I would try to be at my target pace (I have to do the kakamigahara run in 70mins, so need to shave 10 mins from my usual 10k slowpoke pace) for as long as I could, then would slow it down if necessary, and finally walk if I could no longer run. BUT, I was doing 1 hour NO MATTER WHAT.
So, why, body, did you decide to remind me that I had a minuscule glass of water one hour ago, at the 30 minute mark? huh? jerk!!! But, that is ok, I am on a treadmill, not in the middle of nowhere, so I can pause, pee, and be back in a flash. Only… Nike+ decided I was not pausing, I was done and shut off. First world problem, for sure. However, I could start again, do another 30 minutes, and voila! Plan completed.
I did 6 more minutes. Then I decided I was too tired, too hot, possibly hungry and well, the list of lame ass excuses went on and on. Yes, 30 minutes at a decent pace is better than I have done in ages, but WHY can I not complete any goal I give myself? what is my problem??! Do I aim too high? Maybe that is it? Maybe I should have aimed for 30, and then been pleased with myself for doing more? I don’t know. All I know is that my scumbag brain (yes, J, I know what I sound like) and I need to come to some sort of agreement on this, or I am destined to be fat and pokey forever!
I need to set more realistic goals, obviously. SO, here, in writing, are my goals for this week.
- 30 minutes of exercise every day this week.
- 2 visits to the gym – running at 6min/kim pace, on treadmill, for a minimum of 30 minutes
That’s it. I can doooooo it!
The down-side of an apple diet
19 Jan 2012 2 Comments
When I got to school today, there was a phone message to call JA Itonuki – a branch of my bank (JA) that is near Malera Mall.
Of course, I didn’t call them, as I went for a run with my students and had classes all morning.
After 3rd period, there was a second message – they REALLY want to talk to me! So, I asked Mr. Kasugai to help me… ok, he didn’t help, he called for me.
They told him that the other day, when I took out a few thousand yen from the bank, I left 1000 behind, and that this bank branch had my 1000 yen. This is about $13 canadian. To get it back, I just have to go to their branch, show my bankbook, my ID and my hanko (personal stamp you use instead of a signature in Japan) and voila! I get my 1000 yen.
Now, I blame it on that being the second day of my apple fasting. 2 days of 600 cals makes you a bit… slow.
However, what shocks me, is that I left the money on an ATM in a busy mall. Did someone turn it in? Did it show up on the ATM cam? And, the biggest question, what would you do if you rocked up to an ATM and saw someone left $10 behind?
Other than that, the apple diet was fine. I didn’t starve. My skin seems a bit better. It is helping me wean myself off coffee. So, no harm done!
Desperate Times…
19 Jan 2012 2 Comments
A student in my JHS, who is in grade 7, is lost in English class. Totally, utterly, lost. It is almost the end of the year, and he still can only write his name if I prompt him. He sits there, staring out the window all class, or just hunched over his desk. He doesn`t care about school, and is doing poorly in all of his classes, but it has gotten so bad in English class that his mom called the school today. She is worried. So, the VP told Mr. Kasugai that he must make the kid (I will call said kid D) study in class and do his homework.
So, now, Kasugai is writing out ideas… ripping them up, starting again. Trying to come up with a way to bring this lost kid back.
The problem is, he could have been saved from this path a long time ago. He did the same in English in elementary school, and the JTE did nothing to engage him or encourage him. When he came to JHS, he had the same JTE, and again, he wasn`t encouraged. Also, there is no framework to deal with kids like this in Japan. He can`t get detention. There is no such thing as summer school (there is cram school, but the closest is 45 minutes by car away, and so most of my kids don`t go to it). If they don`t do their homework, there is no punishment. So, how are we supposed to catch this kid up on 8 months of school work, with no time, no motivators, no support? How is that possible?
I have some ideas… I suggested we tutor him at lunchtime – that is a no. I suggested I make some recordings of the new words, the sounds of English, etc… but that was met with skepticism… Any ideas?
What did you say??