I am such a self saboteur, it is ridiculous.  First of all, on Saturday morning, i woke up with the thought in my head : TODAY I WILL RUN 5KM. Yes, it was THAT big in my brain. Then, we went for breakfast with a lady in our town… then we played games… and then… the CAPS lock in my brain turned off and a might slipped in there instead of will, and it italicized… so it became… today, i might run 5km. Amazing the difference text makes to the meaning of something.

*sigh*

So, I gave in to the suggestion of one more game, even though I knew that my window of gym opportunity was closing (the local one is only open from 1-7) and… no run on Saturday.

I woke up on Sunday with this in my head: I MUST RUN TODAY! and amazingly, even though we met up with a coworker at Starbucks (only tea, no coffee.. that is day 8!) AND played games, I managed to crawl out from under the kotatsu and get my butt into the gym.

Once I arrived, I was, as usual, the only one there. I think that is also one of my issues with the Neo gym. I like a nice full gym – so I have people to look at and judge, which takes my mind off of myself. I mean, um, encourage. Did I write judge?

I got on the treadmill, and did 5 minutes of warmup brisk walking. I pep talked myself into a 1 hour workout. No excuses. I was going to run or walk for 1 hour. I would try to be at my target pace (I have to do the kakamigahara run in 70mins, so need to shave 10 mins from my usual 10k slowpoke pace) for as long as I could, then would slow it down if necessary, and finally walk if I could no longer run. BUT, I was doing 1 hour NO MATTER WHAT.

So, why, body, did you decide to remind me that I had a minuscule glass of water one hour ago, at the 30 minute mark? huh? jerk!!!  But, that is ok, I am on a treadmill, not in the middle of nowhere, so I can pause, pee, and be back in a flash.  Only… Nike+ decided I was not pausing, I was done and shut off. First world problem, for sure. However, I could start again, do another 30 minutes, and voila! Plan completed.

I did 6 more minutes. Then I decided I was too tired, too hot, possibly hungry and well, the list of lame ass excuses went on and on. Yes, 30 minutes at a decent pace is better than I have done in ages, but WHY can I not complete any goal I give myself? what is my problem??! Do I aim too high? Maybe that is it? Maybe I should have aimed for 30, and then been pleased with myself for doing more? I don’t know. All I know is that my scumbag brain (yes, J, I know what I sound like) and I need to come to some sort of agreement on this, or I am destined to be fat and pokey forever!

I need to set more realistic goals, obviously. SO, here, in writing, are my goals for this week.

- 30 minutes of exercise every day this week.

- 2 visits to the gym – running at 6min/kim pace, on treadmill, for a minimum of 30 minutes

That’s it. I can doooooo it!

Of course, I didn’t call them, as I went for a run with my students and had classes all morning.

After 3rd period, there was a second message – they REALLY want to talk to me! So, I asked Mr. Kasugai to help me… ok, he didn’t help, he called for me.

They told him that the other day, when I took out a few thousand yen from the bank, I left 1000 behind, and that this bank branch had my 1000 yen.  This is about $13 canadian. To get it back, I just have to go to their branch, show my bankbook, my ID and my hanko (personal stamp you use instead of a signature in Japan) and voila! I get my 1000 yen.

Now, I blame it on that being the second day of my apple fasting. 2 days of 600 cals makes you a bit… slow.

However, what shocks me, is that I left the money on an ATM in a busy mall. Did someone turn it in? Did it show up on the ATM cam? And, the biggest question, what would you do if you rocked up to an ATM and saw someone left $10 behind?

Other than that, the apple diet was fine. I didn’t starve. My skin seems a bit better. It is helping me wean myself off coffee. So, no harm done!

So, now, Kasugai is writing out ideas… ripping them up, starting again. Trying to come up with a way to bring this lost kid back.

The problem is, he could have been saved from this path a long time ago. He did the same in English in elementary school, and the JTE did nothing to engage him or encourage him. When he came to JHS, he had the same JTE, and again, he wasn`t encouraged. Also, there is no framework to deal with kids like this in Japan. He can`t get detention. There is no such thing as summer school (there is cram school, but the closest is 45 minutes by car away, and so most of my kids don`t go to it).  If they don`t do their homework, there is no punishment.  So, how are we supposed to catch this kid up on 8 months of school work, with no time, no motivators, no support? How is that possible?

I have some ideas… I suggested we tutor him at lunchtime – that is a no. I suggested I make some recordings of the new words, the sounds of English, etc… but that was met with skepticism… Any ideas?

1. Register and run in at least four 10k`s (have already registered for 1 on March 11)

2. Send more money home each month (sending an extra $400 home on Jan 19)

3. Stop drinking so much coffee… I won’t say cut it entirely, as that isn’t realistic.  But, no more 5 cups a day at work with a pound of sugar in each. Going to stock up on some good herbal teas.

4. Write letters. Actually send them.

5. Take N3 this summer. Actually study for it

6. Get back into a running routine.

7. Go home for Christmas.

8. Knit a sweater.  I have been wanting to do this for ages, and keep starting and stopping.

9. Dive more.

10. Complain less.

11. Meditate at least 3 times a week. More if possible.

12. Stop spending so much damn time on FB … this would give more time for pretty much everything else on this list!!!

This Christmas, was an un-Christmas.  Unfortunately, due to high ticket prices, John and I decided to stay in Japan this year. It was a difficult decision, especially for me… I haven’t seen my family since I left Canada in summer of 2010.

When a fellow ALT told me that her and her husband would be taking a 10 day meditation course over the holidays, we decided to look into it, and after some thought, decided we too would give it a shot.  The course we got in to was in Chiba, and so, on December 22nd, we took off for Tokyo.  The course began on December 23rd, and we took the super slow, cheap trains there.  It took 9 hours from Neo to Tokyo, and we spent the night at an old friend’s place, and enjoyed a wonderful Thai dinner.

On Friday, we wandered the city a bit, and then went to Mobara, to catch the bus to the meditation centre.  There were some train mishaps.. but we managed to catch the last bus, and along with many other soon to be meditators, we were whisked off to the countryside and deposited along the side of the road. In the dark.  I was wondering if mom’s fears of what I had gotten myself into had some basis in fact…A voice materialized in the darkness and directed us to the waiting shuttles. A few minutes later, we found ourselves at the camp, but my first impression was limited due to the darkness. We signed in at the dining hall – which reminded me of summer camp – and handed over our cell phones, books, paper and pens. We signed an agreement to abide by the 5 major rules during our stay: 1. noble silence for 9 days (no communication with fellow meditators of any kind, be it glances, gestures, spoken word or written), 2. no drugs or alcohol, 3. no sexual misconduct, 4. no killing (meaning all vegetarian food, unless there have been incidents in the past?!) and 5. No lying/stealing.  We also agreed to stay the full 10 days and abide by all the rules.

About 60 students were present, and about 7 or 8 volunteers to run the course.  After a simple dinner, we watched a video (the course is taught by Goenka, out of India. There are 145 centres in the world, and using this method keeps the teaching the same throughout. Goenka is this old Burmese dude. I was skeptical of this method of learning, watching a video every night, but it was actually pretty interesting)

I am not going to itemize my 10 days, that would be a pretty boring read. The schedule was basically 3 days of anapana meditation (you just observe your respiration.  When your breathe comes in, when it goes out. Which nostril it goes in, which it goes out. The sensations you feel on your skin around your nose and upper lip).  My brain went mentally insane. I thought about stuff I hadnt thought of in years. We were supposed to be thinking of our breath and I thought of everything and anything else. After that we started on the Vipassana technique, which focusses on living in the moment -and observing the sensations on the body.  It is all about breaking down the barriers between mind and matter, in order to find true peace and happiness. In a nutshell. (this is grossly oversimplifying it, and i urge you to read more here: http://www.dhamma.org/)

The daily schedule was intense. Wake up at 4 and meditate from 4:30-6:30. Then a simple breakfast.  Usually it was brown rice, toast with strawberry jam, stewed prunes, a soup of some type (usually miso, which i skipped). As you are living the life of a monk for 10 days, all of it paid for by others, you are supposed to eat what you are given. I did my best  You then meditated from 8-11, when you stopped for a simple lunch. Also brown rice, usually a pasta or soup or something, maybe toast again or a salad. We had a break until 1, which gave us chances to wash clothes, rest or take showers. No exercise was allowed so the most you could do was walk around a bit outside. Luckily, it was sunny and warm the whole 10 days. From 1-5, more meditation (we had 10 minute breaks every hour or hour and a half).  For some of the meditation there was taped instructions from Goenka.

5pm was tea time. Not to be confused with dinner time… the only dinner we got was the day we checked in. The menu was fruit. 1 banana. half an orange or apple. tea. That was it. Then meditation from 6-7. At 7 we watched Goenka on video for an hour and learned more (he was pretty interesting actually. Very relevant to what i was feeling that day. I was surprised) Then, usually about another 30 minutes of meditation before it ended at 9pm. Lights out at 9:30.

From day 4, when we started the actually Vipassana meditation technique three sittings a day became sittings of strong determination. We had to sit from 8:00-9:00, 2:30-3:30 and 6:00-7:00 perfectly still. No movement of legs, hands, etc. No opening eyes. This was BRUTAL for me. My eyes are such inquisitive little creatures!

On Day 3, I started to get sick, and it was decided for my own good (and the good of all the others in the dorm) I would move to a tent – which was actually really great. It was nice and cool on my face, but I had  a nice warm nest. Plus being alone and not speaking is MUCH easier than being with a group of girls and not speaking!

On Day 6, I thought I was losing my mind. My calm, quiet mind I was searching for, became a broiling, rolling mess that was thinking of EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. I couldnt sit still. I thought I was losing my mind. Turns out, that is my mind all the time- I just never listen

Anyway, the experience was amazing, and I can’t properly do it justice here. I am not saying I agree with all the teachings, but so much of it I can apply to my life and use it to make myself happier. I came to a lot of good realizations about myself, my relationships and how I am living my life. It was the best way to make new years resolutions ever!

This is getting a bit long… I might continue on next week

John mentioned to me that it is perhaps time I leave Japan, because I am focusing that annoyance on some random encounters I have in Japan, and I shouldn’t.  He is 100% right, but at the same time, when certain things happen I feel like my blood is starting to boil. My face gets flushed, and my Japanese becomes much better…

I am talking about the standard “point at and talk about the foreigner as if she is retarded and can’t understand you, then when it becomes apparent she can, speak to her in rapid fire, difficult Japanese to make her feel inferior”. It drives me mental.  Imagine, my “western” friends, sitting in a cafe, and talking VERY LOUDLY about the obvious “minority” in the room, assuming because they don`t look like you, they don`t speak your language. Can you imagine? No, you can`t, because that behaviour is beaten out of us at the age of… oh… 4. That one time when you are old enough to notice differences and you point at someone different and say to your mom `what is wrong with that guy` and they tell you to not be rude. Done. My mom tells this story to everyone about how tiny I was, and so people thought I was a baby even when I was old enough to talk… well, in my town we had a lot of people who wore turbans and by paternal grandmother was a bit… racist. She called them ragtops. Sorry, that is horrific, I know. Anyway, I was little, I picked up on it, and I repeated it in a store, and everyone thought my mom said it. I was, after all, a baby.

Anyway, hearing that story, and realizing that it was rude – means I don`t do that as an adult. I would never think that someone who looks different has any difficulty understanding English (or whatever language I am speaking at the time).   I was on a bus once in Italy and the American dude next to me was graphically relating his sexual encounter the night before to his friend, because after all, we were in a foreign country and how could he expect anyone else spoke American (he actually said that to me when I asked him if he would mind not talking SO disgustingly in my ear).

So, to be sitting in a cafe, minding my own business, and hearing everyone talking about me, speculating about me – makes me insane. I can’t help it.  However, I did decide to live in Japan, a country that has a population of foreigners that make up something like 1.9% of its entire 130 million inhabitants.

Anyway, where am I going with this? This morning, as I usually do on a Tuesday, I took the train to work and went to the cafe near my school to have breakfast.  I ordered (in Japanese) and the table of people next to me were pointing out to everyone else that I ordered the coffee of the day (Brazilian roast) so I must be brazilian and how shocking i could order since I was a foreigner and obviously couldnt speak japanese – my ordering must have been a fluke.  I could feel myself get a bit hot under the collar (as usual) and decided to take a different approach. I said good morning, told the lady I lived in town and did indeed speak Japanese, so if she had any questions…

She almost fell off her chair. HA! Her husband laughed at her and said she shouldnt be so presumptuous. She asked me some more questions (was i indeed from brazil, did i work at the school next door, did i live with my family, did i drive here, etc), I politely answered and then went about my breakfast.

She went on to continue about how astounding it was i was there, and that I could speak Japanese (perhaps that I was the only foreigner that could) and that it was surprising I wasn:t a prostitute (!!) but a teacher and that she thought only old people lived in Neo.

Anyway, the point is this…foreign friends living in Japan…  don:t be rude. But, if you are going to have to deal with that rudeness, don’t rise to the occasion, calm down, be patient and answer with a smile. Thanks, husband. You were right.

I was a bit apprehensive about our first class, as when we met Monday he seemed like he didn’t speak much English and was afraid of it a bit.  He told me he liked to read and write English –  but didn’t speak a lot.

The biggest problem I have in JHS is that the teacher hasn’t been using English in class and instead has been using only Japanese. So, shockingly the kids level is super super low, reflected by their scores on the 2nd semester test.  In my grade 8 class, 5 of the 14 kids scored less than 10%! The highest grade was 75%. This is a serious problem.

Anyway, today in class – OMG! He USED ENGLISH. Not just for the grammar we were using, but asked students questions and used english for regular class stuff.  ”What was the sentence I used?” “What did I say next?”  Sounds super simplistic, but this is my grade 7 class – which we have been using about 5 mins of english per class for the last year. Woot! We only got half the class material completed but WHATEVER! I dont care! This was the best class so far!  When kids werent repeating the words or trying – he made them do it again, no slacking.  The kid that never picks up his pencil? He went and showed him the individual cards to get him to respond.

I think I am in ALT love…  Let’s hope he doesn’t get discouraged by their low level and revert to the “teach English in Japanese” method!

I went back on Wednesday (2 days off is the max on 1 visit, I guess) as requested by the BOE, and this time an ear, nose and throat doc was visiting the clinic. He actually got the stethoscope going and listened to my raspy lungs, asked some questions and told me I had bronchitis.  I was given a “get out of work free” note for the rest of the week, and a shot to help stop the coughing a bit. Ouch.

Anyway, I had a week off, and it was uneventful and boring.

However, it is Monday morning now on my side of the planet – and that means back at Junior High School. JHS Mondays usually suck.  I only have 3 classes so it is my quietest morning, and my Japanese Teacher of English (JTE) lets me do nothing other than the boring ass read repeat of the super lame JHS text. It sucks. My eyes glaze over faster than the students – although they are not far behind me once he starts droning on in Japanese. The 5 minutes of their class where anyone actually speaks English, they are so bored, they soak nothing in and all of them (except for maybe 5%) are failing.

It makes me insane.

This morning though, I got here to find the usually super quiet staffroom in a buzz. I usually get in at 8, grab a coffee, settle in for an email/blog catch up, then toodle off to class with no info. Today, we had a super important staff meeting – where I noticed we waited for everyone to assemble except my JTE. The kocho sense came out of his closed door office – also unusual – with my JTE in a suit behind him.  Super serious for small town JHS – everyone wears track suits. I panicked a moment as I thought this might mean a surpise demo lesson (I am wearing cotton pants and a smoking lily sweater – above a track suit, but about a mile below the formal demo class attire required), but realized that the attitude was very somber.

A bit of info on my JTE. He is 30, and has a child who is about 2. She was born deaf, and with some serious birth defects. She was missing her esophagus and it had to be reconstructed. Plus a variety of other difficulties. Super cute, but they only got to take her home from the hospital a few months ago.  Anyway, it turns out that she is not well, and he has to take an extended leave of absence to be with her and help his wife take care of her.

I feel awful for him, and their little family. It means I have no classes this week, and am anxiously awaiting who the BOE will find to be his replacement. Could it get better? will it get worse…

Perhaps I am even more affected (effected? I can never remember which to use) because I am not celebrating Christmas this year. Not even a little bit. Well, I will be sending a few gifts home (and won’t be turning up my nose to any sent this way) but there will be no tree at my house, and no stockings on Christmas morning. No calls home either – sorry mom and dad. Actually I won’t even say “merry Christmas” on the day. Or happy new year the week after.

No, I have not been struck by a case of bah humbug or severe assholeitis. Instead, I have signed up for a 10 day, totally silent, Vipassana meditation course. Vipassana is a meditation practice that will help you look at yourself intensely. You work through and face all sorts of things that are happening within yourself that you ignore due to daily outside influences. So, for 10 days you meditate. You sit silently – no chanting or posing – just sitting. You wake up at 4am, eat simple meals (I might even lose a few pounds for the first time in Christmas history) and go to bed by 9pm.

I know, it sounds a bit crazy, but I am really looking forward to this. I will be in it from Dec 23-jan 3, in Chiba. John too. Wish us luck

I am probably not going to make it, but I am going to try!

I have 8 days left to complete my 100km in October challenge, and about 40km to go.  Yes, that is a lot – 5km a day.  It is my own fault I am behind, as I didn’t really make an effort to run more – just farther on my runs.  I am not giving up, nor will I be disappointed in myself if I miss – because I still ran farther than I did last month, which was partly why I created this goal for myself.

I have shocked  myself in my ability to run 10km – a goal that has for a long time been unimaginable to me.  Today I am going to attempt to run 12 – which may not sound like much more, but those few extra kms are a hugs milestone to me.

One of the most fun things, has been getting encouragement and support from an old high school friend, Elisha.  Elisha is super fit and has run half marathons – and I think a full marathon or two?  But having that encouragement from someone was really awesome.  In high school, Elisha and I always had a healthy level of competition (we worked together, had the same friend groups, and occasionally the same love interest – super funny to think of that now), and I look forward to making her proud by completing my goal